Hospital seminar teaches caregivers that acknowledging difficulties and reaching out for support is essential

Stumbling into a touchy-feely scene, the average person walking into the banquet room at the Staten Island Hotel one recent morning might have wondered what was going on.

Guests were standing at their respective tables, arms outstretched in Conga line fashion, massaging the shoulders and back of the person in front of them. Giggles, laughter, and whispers of “oooh, that feels sooo good” could be heard throughout the room.

At the podium, Dr. Irene Deitch, a psychology professor at the College of Staten Island, was urging the group on. “Relax – give yourself permission to be touched,” she said.

This was not just another New Age self-help seminar; those gathered had a little time to dabble in feel-good fads or exotica. They have their hands full caring for an ailing loved one and had come in response to a free invitation to “A Day Just For You,” hoping to discover coping techniques to see them through.

There was 87-year-old Diane Mostow, of Brooklyn, whose husband, Richard, 85, has suffered from Parkinson’s disease for 25 years. When he was first diagnosed, Mrs. Mostow was “naïve enough” she said, to think she could stay home and provide him “TLC,” or tender, loving care.

“I thought I could do it all myself. I didn’t expect it would be so exhausting a job and how very frustrating it would be to watch someone you love go from being so active ... I began to feel so alone,” she said. After suffering for years, she recently hired a live-in health care aide to help care for her husband.

Then there was Clarence McGhie, 56, a New Brighton real estate sales associate and retired bank executive. Although he suffers from Parkinson’s disease himself, he’s been caring for his 72-year-old mother, Thomasina, who is terminally ill with ovarian cancer. “It’s stressful, it’s sad, it’s depressing, and it forces you to call upon all your inner strength,” he said. He had come to the seminar to learn relaxation techniques and offer support to other caregivers. “I need a day like this to expand my world outside of caregiving,” he explained.

Throughout the country, adult children and spouses are providing care for loved ones with long-term illnesses, or for those who can no longer manage on their own. But providing ongoing care for a loved one can be stressful and a debilitating challenge for caregivers themselves.

That’s why the geriatrics department of Staten Island University Hospital (SIUH), the American Parkinson’s Disease Information and Referral Center located at SIUH, and the Community Agency for Senior Citizens developed “Just for You.”

“If you are taken care of, the person you are caring for will be better taken care of,” Dr. Deitch told the 90-or-so caregivers who turned out.

“Share the care; it’s okay to get paid help – if you had a child at home you wouldn’t think twice about getting a baby-sitter to go out,” she said. “Give yourself permission to do what you want; don’t let others give you orders and advice and make you feel guilty. Cherish yourself.”

Dr. Deitch, who also runs the Options program at CSI, offering college classes to older adults, reminded caregivers to think of “The three T’s” – touch, tears and talk.

“There is power in touching. Touch someone and let yourself be touched,” she said. “Hug someone, and they’ll hug back. Treat yourself to a manicure, a pedicure or massage. Some people haven’t been touched in so long,” Dr. Deitch said, as she directed participants to stand and massage the back and neck of the person in front of them.

“Find humor in your life. Laughter is the best medicine. And smile,” she directed. “When you smile, people will smile back. A simple smile can make someone’s day.”

“If you feel like crying, go ahead and cry. Tears are cleansing,” she said. And find a friend or join a support group to talk about your experiences caring for a loved one. “Don’t keep everything bottled up inside. It can’t be done,” she advised.

Participants were also directed to use relaxation and meditation techniques to relieve stress.

Robert Murphy, from the Inter-agency Council on Aging, demonstrated Tai Chi breathing techniques. “Slow and graceful movement will improve air flow and promote energy and healing,” he said.

Shirley Teper, a yoga and stress-management instructor who was a caregiver for her daughter until she died three months ago, pointed out that prolonged stress can break down a person’s immune system.

“Fifteen minutes of anger and stress will cause six months of bodily harm,” she cautioned. “And you must maintain your own physical heath in order to be able to care for someone else.”

She demonstrated a series of chairside breathing techniques and exercises designed to release stress. “Sit up straight, your back to the chair and feet on the floor, close your eyes and inhale deeply. Hold the breath and exhale slowly, imagining you are releasing all your tension,” she said.

Sister Eileen Boyle from St. Clare’s R.C. Church, Great Kills, focused on “caring for your spirit,” urging caregivers to take time out for prayer and spiritual reflection.

During the noontime luncheon, Dr. Donna Seminara, director of University Hospital’s geriatrics division, discussed the doctor-patient relationship, drawing upon her own experiences with her 98-year-old grandmother. “Doctors need to show some sympathy, some empathy. We all have grandmas too,” she said.

The program is affiliated with Staten Island University Hospital, will arrange for medical home visits for frail elderly who can’t get out to doctors appointments, or when caregivers are unable to transport a sick or ill loved one to a doctor’s visit. Information on the program is available by calling (718) 351-3870.